Joyeux Noëlle

Every so often, when you’re cleaning out drawers or old boxes, you’ll find a key that doesn’t seem to go to anything. Their bows are often old and ornate, but the blade is generally fairly standard. Most people toss these aside, but many collect them, or even turn them into artwork - it’s not uncommon to see antique keys as pendants, bracelets, or earrings.

But it’s exceedingly rare that someone finds the lock that one of these orphaned keys opens. They mostly just sit around, being decorative, until they get lost again.

It’s easy to start wondering about how many of these orphaned keys there are in the world. As it happens, there’s a very specific answer: there is exactly one orphaned key for every human ever born live. 

The topmost vertebra in your spine, just below where it meets the your skull, has a thin notch in the back. You can feel it if you run your finger down from the base of your skull. This is the lock into which one orphaned key fits; every time a human consciousness flares into being, the process creates a key. Your key might have appeared near you - in a hospital drawer by your mother’s bed, perhaps - or far away, at the bottom of a cardboard box halfway around the world. (There’s a strong implication that the farther away one’s key appears, the greater one’s destiny, but no concrete evidence to back the implication up.)

Naturally, finding the person to whom a key belongs - or a key that belongs to a given person - can be quite the task. But when the tip of your key is held to that notch in your topmost vertebra, the notch opens, accepting the key. This is not a painful process - in fact, it can be quite pleasant, and would only rouse you from a very light sleep, like a tap on the shoulder. And when the key is inserted - and turned - your consciousness becomes beholden to the bearer of the key. You won’t necessarily be aware of the change, but their wishes will become your command. And you’ll be happy to carry those commands out, no matter what they are, as long as they have possession of your key.

Of course, the odds that someone you know would find your key, and that they’d know how to use it, are mind-boggling. 

I’m sure you have nothing to worry about.